Victoriously Overcoming: The Deadly Silence of Emotional & Verbal Abuse...

Before the North Star Group gathers to view & discuss “Precious”, I want to offer my personal experiences as a survivor of abuse, thoughts to victims of abuse, offer a bit of guidance for supporters of the abused, and a few signs. Although my experiences were not the exact same as the character “Precious”, I speak out because they were my own and I offer a Christian view of this type of deadly abuse, which many people are silently suffering. It’s my belief that women need to share, not necessarily the details of who & how, but details of how to overcome, signs,& information to people supporting the abused or the suspected abused. Yet, some women simply need SIMPLE spiritual encouragement to come out & stay out of the relationship!

I must confess, I used to think victims of verbal abuse were weak. It was my view of ‘I wish a man would talk to me any ole kind of way?! How dare someone!’ However, I began to view it differently after my experiences with it. I learned sometimes you don’t see it coming & you can get stuck if you allow yourself too. I am a strong woman. But for the record, if it was not for the power of the Holy Spirit, I would not be living an abundant life & experienced a sense of renewal. I would have wanted to hide in shame. I would still be tempted by his advances. I would have gone back. I would not have stepped out of it & remembered everyone’s definition of love ain’t the same. Ultimately, you have to love yourself, treat yourself accordingly, & forego the hate of your former abuser! If I didn’t break lose and forego the hate, the enemy would have totally devoured me from the inside out!


What does one do if you’re in a seemingly healthy, thriving relationship with someone for a considerable amount of time & the parents & familes of both sides approve...then a catastrophe happens? You stand by his side, of course! However, your partner seems to misdirect ALL his anger & sorrow on you. Couple that with the development of a mental disorder. It’s UNIMAGINABLY challenging! Suddenly those sometimes rude comments & behaviors, which were previously viewed as mere flaws, FLY into total belligerent abuse (emotional and eventually verbal). As more time passes it becomes worse & dangerous. You can't decipher between the grief & the abuse; it seems to be one. So you mislabel it all as grief. As time goes by its cystal clear, his abuse is just as natural as his grief. My "Imma hold you down" mentailty had to go for reasons of self-love & self-preservation. I realized that a healthy spirit would have appreciated my unwavering support & love. However, a true miserable spirit usually is a master of disguise and loves company to mask it. The abuser must face the REAL issues at hand or the enemy will totally devour them from the inside out, as well.

Victims
Disagreements develop from time to time in relationships. On the other hand, emotional abuse is not mere disagreements. It is a whole pattern of consistent behaviors used by one partner to establish and maintain power and control over the other. I‘ve come to realize the importance of the quote below:

The ultimate measure of man/woman is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy. ~ MLK, Jr.

Moreover, one will see a person's true colors when they are going through the greatest challenges. So victims may sympathize with the partner & endure some misdirection because you know their history & can understand where the abuse is derived from. We can play Dr. Phil all day & the fact remains emotional and verbal abuse regardless where it stems from is NOT what each of us deserves!!! Make no mistake; the abuse WILL wear on you emotionally. If not dealt with, it will cause you to lose your ENTIRE spirit. The enemy has taken your partners joy & used them to steal yours, as well. But we MUST remember the length of your suffering depends on you. We ought to praise God for He is a mighty source/giver who has the perfect ability to provide new resources/gifts. So, worshiping the gifts & NOT the giver (i.e. Jesus Christ) gets us nowhere fast.

Christ does NOT want his children to endure this type of suffering for a lifetime nor does he want us to get comfortable with being defeated. Have unwavering faith and hold on. Consider Job, God did not forget Job. However, Job certainly did not stop praising Christ through his terrible trials. God will make good on His promises (Job 42:10).

Sisters, please read the word daily for strength; it will be your comforter. Perhaps, you can start with Romans 8:18-31.


Supporters (Family/Friends):
Family & friends of the abused persons need to offer them acceptance, strength, and freedom from fear. As a society, we are still quick to judge. Not understanding the full picture of what the victims live through each day. Our society as a whole should be educated on the cycle of abuse, what it is, and how to detect the signs before it is too late. Usually emotional and verbal abuse are the precursors before physical abuse because respect boundaries have been violated.

Abusers often overly play the 'victim' card; as if they do not have any power. They try to convince you and anyone that will listen, that they are in fact the victim SOLEY. This can be extremely frustrating to the people that support and accept the manipulation of an abuser. This will allow him/her to continue to play the 'victim' role. I believe that abusers can be a new person IF TRULY renewed in Christ, so that is 1 reason why I would advise the friends & family of the victim and even survivors to NOT hate the abuser. As Christians, it is our duty to forgive (Matthew 18: 21-35)…so we must. However, that has ABSOUETLY NOTHING to do with trust! . As Christians we are called to a higher standard of living …but its just NOT an easy practice. Hurt people hurt. So everyone is undergoing some amount of hell. Remember @ every minute that no matter how strong the survivor is he/she must be encouraged, renewed & rejuvenate with the love of Christ, family & friends in order to help resurrect the damaged sprit.

Speak up if you suspect domestic abuse to a loved one... BUT THERE IS A PARTICULAR WAY TO DO SO!!!

DO:
*Ask (if you suspect trouble)
*Express concern in a non-judgmental way,
*Listen and validate,
*Offer help and support
*Be objective
*Email, mail prayers

DON'T:
*Wait for her to come to you
*Judge or Blame
*Pressure her
*Place conditions on your support
*Excessively bad mouth the abuser


Signs of an Abuser:
Overall, I think it’s extremely important that young people are made aware of the signs, esp girls. It's our job as survivors to educate young women and men about what domestic violence is and does to people. For instance,

(1) A “Gee, he wants to spend all his free time & mine." Might mean their excessive control of time is that they want to monopolize and control your time for insecure reasons, as well as reasons of dependency.

(2) Seriously not getting along with family members may not simply mean “they never saw eye-to-eye”. Rather investigate the origin of their brokenness & why it hasn't been repaired yet.

(3) A “WOW, he’s really open because he’s told me his past experiences & where he went wrong”. Might mean, he initiated telling you 45% (of the truth) and throw in some details to make you think he is disclosing more honest details than he really is. What is he hiding? It may be the rest of the 55% of the truth that reveals his true character.

(4) Extreme Jealousy. (A couple of examples: (1) Having a normal conversation with his former college friend after a 4.5 hr car ride (in my car) ought NOT cause a man to be upset/mad espically when the conversation was about professional development. (2) NO ONE should get mad and ask you to end a phone call simply because you are talking/ joking on the phone with your good friend's husband (also a good friend of over 10 yrs!) to give directions. These cases are ALL ri-damn-diculous yet true!)

The above mentioned are signs. The only ways to know if people have reformed (if they disclosed a dicey past) & to know the full character is time, observing them in a variety of situations, and asking yourself questions. Are they close to family? & Why not?, Do they have a spiritual practice? Are they friends with ex-partners? When is the last time they were single? What is the longest time period they have been single? With whom are they truly close?, What is the character of their best friend(s), etc.?

We must empower young people to stand up for themselves, respect themselves and love themselves as to not fall prey. We CAN help reduce this damaging cycle with awareness. I’m also thankful for those God given gifts of mature, well seasoned women who taught me to be a strong woman - that is a woman who endures life’s storms yet maintains the virtue of her good nature. And I give God the total glory for helping me safety navigate my way out of that situation.